Stuck in Self-Splain

Have you noticed that story you are telling yourself (and others) that is running through your mind?  It is the one about why you did (or didn’t do) what you did (or didn’t do).  You are trying to explain yourself — to yourself and others.

You are Self-Splaining.

And it is a story.  Not necessarily a lie.  But also not necessarily the truth.

Humans are story tellers and meaning makers.  The stories we tell are to make meaning.  It helps the world to make sense, and helps us give reasons for what we did.

And it can keep you stuck.

Your self-splaining keeps you stuck because it “helps” you to make your actions/inactions reasonable (to yourself).  Reasonable, as in “Able to Reason.”  You can give a reason.  One that makes sense to you… even if not to anyone else.  You can just keep telling yourself “why” — self-splaining.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss how we self-splain, why that can get you stuck, and what to do to get un-stuck.

RELATED RESOURCES
Paradigms
Stuck and Unstuck
Reasons
Responsibility
My Books on Thriving

 

Is Your Mind Set?

Is your mind set?  Growth and fixed mindset, and how to change yours.I’m not an athlete, I told myself.  I was the last chosen for teams pretty much every time.  And more often than not, admittedly, I dropped the ball or didn’t run fast enough.  So I lived up to the low expectations of being a teammate.

That kept me believing that I was not an athlete.  And so, I never tried to be athletic.

Years later, when I was recovering from being sick, I decided I needed to get into shape.  I was motivated by a scuba class when I realized how out of shape I was.  I dragged myself into the weight room, so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in class.  I took to the pool for the same reason.

And I slowly got into shape.  Which led to a friend asking if I wanted to adventure race.  Why not?  I might as well, I reasoned.  Then, I trained and completed a trail marathon.  And ran quite a few 5k’s.  Not an athlete, though.

Then, at a conference, someone told me she wanted to write a book, but she “wasn’t a writer.”  I asked what she was doing.  She wrote every single day.  And she had lots of pieces put together for her future book.  But, she “wasn’t a writer.”

I noted to her that writers do one thing.  They write.  She was writing, ergo she was a writer!

Then I went for a run.  And thought about that discussion.  Runners are athletes.  Runners run.  I was running.  Ergo, I was a runner… and maybe an athlete?

My mindset had tripped me up.  I had myself in a fixed mindset.  And to get to a better place, I needed to shift to a growth mindset.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss Dr. Carol Dweck’s concept of growth and fixed mindsets from her book, Mindset.  A fixed mindset keeps us stuck.  But a growth mindset always gives room for growth and change.

Listen in to discover where your mindset is stuck… and how to shift it to growth.

RELATED RESOURCES
Mindset Book
Your Different “Can’ts”
What I Learned From Jiu Jitsu
Link To My Books On Thriving

The Synergy of Success

Dr. Morgan Oaks, Sychronizing SuccessMost people tell me that they want something more out of life.  Sometimes, they want LOTS more out of life.  Usually, though, there is something else… some new point of success.

Yet, many people find themselves stuck in a cycle of “inaction” or “any action.”  They are taking no action toward a change.  Or they randomly take action after action, with little to show for it.

Others seem to find a direct path straight to their goal.  They seem to pluck success from everything they do.

What is the difference?  Why do some struggle to find success, and others seem to step into success in every step?

Let’s for a moment, set aside why some just seem to struggle from success to success.  Let’s focus, instead, on how to make a shift toward your own success.  Toward finding more success and more fulfillment.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I interview Dr. Morgan Oaks.  Morgan is a chiropractor, coach, and speaker.  Morgan’s TEDx Talk is all about listening to that deeper voice to take you to a higher place.

In our discussion, Morgan describes the 3 stages to synchronizing success, which builds on itself in a figure-8 pattern, repeating to more and more success.

Listen below for the 3 steps to success with Dr. Morgan Oaks.

RELATED RESOURCE
Dr. Morgan Oaks’ Website
Surviving to Thriving
How to Build Your Self-Esteem
How to Build Your Self-Confidence
How to Show Up
Book:  Thrive Principles

Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain

CleanDirtyPainAnyone who tells you that you can go through life without getting hurt and feeling pain is either lying or hiding.

Life is rough-and-tumble.  Pain is unavoidable.

But there is a type of pain that we can leave behind.  That is more a result of our own thinking than anything external, any injury either physical or emotional.

Call it “Dirty Pain.”  Which is distinguished from “Clean Pain.”  Clean pain, that is the initial hurt.  When you hit your foot, it hurts.  That is the bodily response to the injury.  When someone says something to you that is mean and spiteful, your feelings are hurt.  That is the emotional pain.  It is initial.

But what if you chastise yourself about your being “clutsy,” or about your “stupid action” that led to that foot injury?  Or what if you made that hurtful comment about you, and not about the person who said it?  What if you kept dwelling about it?

Let me be clear:  it is fine to ask how you might prevent an injury in the future.  It is fine to listen to feedback from others, that might give you some insight into things you need to change.

It’s the next step after that.  When you keep berating yourself.  It’s when you take the next step… you attach to the pain.  Buddhism refers to that as suffering.  You and I can think of it as “Dirty Pain” (a term coined by ACT – a mode of therapy).  It is dirtied by our own mental state — not the cause of the pain.

What do you do about that?  We discuss it in this week’s Thriveology Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Life Is Tough
Letting Go
What You Can Control
The Forgive Process Book

Rules For Living Series

What Are The Rules For Living?Do you have any “rules for living”? Thoughts or ideas that you follow as guidelines for living? Maybe you don’t always follow them… but you intend to. You treat them like rules. They aren’t really “laws,” concepts you MUST follow, or you find yourself in trouble. (See my Immutable Laws for Living book for these.)

Rules just make life easier. They keep you moving forward, in the direction you want.

If you have some, great! See how they compare to my 10 rules.

If you don’t have rules, consider trying out my 10 rules.

Below are links to trainings on each of the 10 rules for living.

RULES OF LIVING SERIES
#1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
#2 Be Present In The  Present
#3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
#4 Grieve Losses and Celebrate Gains
#5 Forgive to Live
#6 Listen to Your Higher Self
#7 Teach Others How to Treat You
#8 Control What You Can; Release The Rest
#9 Do Your Part and Wait for the Moment
#10 Live Each Day As THE Day

The Getting UN-Stuck Series

BeyondStuckSometimes, we all get stuck… stuck in situations, stuck in relationships, stuck in life.  Just stuck.

And one of the critical skills of thriving is learning how to get UN-stuck.  How to get yourself free from those stuck moments and situations.

I focused on getting UN-stuck in a series of podcasts, and wanted to make sure you knew about them.

Here are the links to the series:

GETTING UNSTUCK SERIES:

Intro To Getting Unstuck

How You Get Stuck

You Are Not As Stuck As You Think

Give Up Your Goals & Get Unstuck

Loops

Shift Your Perspective

When Fear Has You Stuck

The KNAC Protocol For Getting Unstuck

4 Steps To Changing Limiting Beliefs

The Wrap-Up

 

Anchored or Stuck? “Anchors Aweigh!”

Part of the Getting Unstuck Series

Are you anchored or are you stuck?Are you anchored, waiting for the next opportunity to sail?  Or are you stuck?

Sometimes, we have to set anchor for a bit, let the tide change, wait for a storm to pass, or wait for a new day.

Sometimes, we set the anchor so well that we end up stuck.

Time to weigh anchor and depart.  Time to seek the next port.

Let me suggest three A’s to help you weigh anchor and get sailing:

A- Acceptance

A- Awe

A- Appreciation

No need to stay stuck.  Grab the tools you need and anchors aweigh!

Shift Your Perspective

Getting Unstuck Series

Stuck?  Shift your perspective.When we get stuck, we can’t see beyond ourselves.  When we can’t see beyond ourselves, we get stuck.

Perspective — or lack of a different perspective — is what keeps us in that stuck space.

The good news is a shift in perspective is always available to you.  In fact, there are several shifts you can make, at will, at any time.

Use these shifts to get unstuck.  A new perspective gives you a new view.  See the forest, not just the tree in front of you.  Just beyond that is your UnStuck.

Listen below for how to shift your perspective and get unstuck.

Give Up Your Goals To Get Unstuck

Getting Unstuck Series

Give up your goals and get unstuck.As counter-intuitive as it sounds, if you are stuck, one of the first things to do is give up your goals.

Which may lead you to think that my idea of getting unstuck just means that you leave things the way they are.  Instead of being stuck, you might be stranded.

Nope.  That is NOT what I mean.  You see, I think that goals often cause us to be even more stuck.

Most of the time, people fail at the goals they set (look no further to the empty gyms in late January).  Not only that, but if someone achieves a goal, they often then slip away from the goal, falling back “below the line.”  And, by the way, the best you can do is get “to the line.”

Not very appealing, is it?

Not only that, but many goals we create are not even within our control.  If you have the goal to make the football team, a coach has to choose you.  Many might have that goal.  Lots get cut from the team.

Goals sounding worse?

But there is an alternative.  One that you CAN control, live into, and move into.  Let me tell you about it.

Series:
Intro To Getting Unstuck
You Are Not As Stuck As You Think

You Are NOT As Stuck As You Feel

Getting Unstuck Series

You are not as stuck as you think!Stuck.  We all feel it sometimes.  We can’t get ourselves in gear, out of our own way, moving in the right direction, or even moving at all.

There are some reasons we get stuck.  But I truly believe we are never quite as stuck as we feel.

When I feel stuck, it is sometimes helpful for me to remind myself of why I am not quite as stuck as I feel.  When I do that, I get a little momentum.

A little momentum is what I need to begin the process of getting unstuck.

And after you listen to the podcast, you will realize:  you have LOTS of momentum.  LOTS is changing. . . if you are looking.

Introduction To Getting Unstuck Series