how to forgive

The Forgive Habit

March 14, 2022 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago, a coaching client noted her resistance to forgiving for fear that she would be vulnerable to being hurt. I told her that was not at all true. In fact, being alive leaves you open to hurt!

But not forgiving? It offers no protection. It does, however, prolong the pain caused by some person or event.

This client was not the only one who told me about her concern of forgiving. I have heard it over and over through my three decades of counseling and coaching.

Most people have fallen into a habit of hanging on to the hurt, of not forgiving. They have a habit of UN-forgiving.

Let me suggest that, just like any other habit, you can change this habit. You can foster a Forgive Habit. There, you more quickly work toward forgiving the hurts and pains you feel from events and others. And in the process, you find freedom to move forward with a thriving life.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss The Forgive Habit and how to foster it.

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Stuck In Loops

November 30, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

RunningLoops Like a broken record… or an endless audio loop. Those thoughts that just keep turning in your mind. Okay, in MY mind. But I bet it happens to you, too.

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I get up to 2 emails. One is complimentary, thanking me for resources, books, podcasts… things like that. Then there is another email, critical and harsh, telling me how useless my info was.

I read them both and head off to walk my dog.

Do you think I ponder that kind one? Or keep looping back to that unkind one?

Yep, you guessed it. And I bet you guessed it because it happens to you, too.

And that thought… it isn’t just a passing thought. No. I find my body tense up, the anger/hurt churning in my gut.

The other day, I was out for my morning walk with my sidekick, Ziggy (our silver lab). We were about half-way through and I realized my palms were sweaty, tightly gripping the leash (which is a waist leash, so I don’t even need to be holding it!). My chest is tight, my stomach is tight. I ask myself, “why am I ready for a fight?” Nothing had happened.

Nothing.

Except a thought I was having… not just having… looping. It was about an experience that happened 3 decades ago. One I don’t typically think about. But today, it popped in my head and I was stuck in a loop. Looping on an old thought that was making me feel a certain way in the present.

I dropped back and followed my own little routine when I find myself looping.

You can’t stop the loops from starting. But you can decide how long you run the loops.

Let’s talk about how to stop those pesky loops. Podcast below.

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How NOT To Thrive: Top 5

August 17, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Over the years, I have tried to learn to thrive. And I have tried to teach others how to thrive… even getting other experts to do the same.

But today, just for a moment, let’s assume you DON’T want to thrive. In fact, you want to… well, do the opposite of thriving! You want to be miserable and live a smaller life. You want to feel stuck and frustrated. (I’m not going to even explain WHY you would want to do that… let’s play a little mental game and pretend you just don’t want to thrive.)

What then?

How would you go about NOT thriving? How would you really make yourself as miserable as possible?

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I start in on my Top 10 List of How NOT To Thrive. I cover 5 top ways to NOT thrive in this episode, and follow up with the other 5 in the next episode.

Why in the world would I do this?

Because if you know how to NOT thrive, then you can NOT do the NOT’s. You can do the opposite, and move toward thriving. It is also a good way to run through the list and see if you find yourself falling into any of the non-thriving traps. They are all around us! And sometimes, we are doing them… not even realizing it.

Listen below for part 1 of How To Guarantee You Don’t Thrive.

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How To Guarantee You DON’T Thrive

August 26, 2019 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Over the years, I have tried to learn to thrive. And I have tried to teach others how to thrive… even getting other experts to do the same.

What then?

How would you go about NOT thriving? How would you really make yourself as miserable as possible?

Why in the world would I do this?

Listen below for part 1 of How To Guarantee You Don’t Thrive.

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Running Loops

February 18, 2019 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

RunningLoops Like a broken record… or an endless audio loop. Those thoughts that just keep turning in your mind. Okay, in MY mind. But I bet it happens to you, too.

I read them both and head off to walk my dog.

Do you think I ponder that kind one? Or keep looping back to that unkind one?

Yep, you guessed it. And I bet you guessed it because it happens to you, too.

And that thought… it isn’t just a passing thought. No. I find my body tense up, the anger/hurt churning in my gut.

Nothing.

I dropped back and followed my own little routine when I find myself looping.

You can’t stop the loops from starting. But you can decide how long you run the loops.

Let’s talk about how to stop those pesky loops. Podcast below.

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Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain

January 7, 2019 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

CleanDirtyPain Anyone who tells you that you can go through life without getting hurt and feeling pain is either lying or hiding.

Life is rough-and-tumble. Pain is unavoidable.

But there is a type of pain that we can leave behind. That is more a result of our own thinking than anything external, any injury either physical or emotional.

Call it “Dirty Pain.” Which is distinguished from “Clean Pain.” Clean pain, that is the initial hurt. When you hit your foot, it hurts. That is the bodily response to the injury. When someone says something to you that is mean and spiteful, your feelings are hurt. That is the emotional pain. It is initial.

But what if you chastise yourself about your being “clutsy,” or about your “stupid action” that led to that foot injury? Or what if you made that hurtful comment about you, and not about the person who said it? What if you kept dwelling about it?

Let me be clear: it is fine to ask how you might prevent an injury in the future. It is fine to listen to feedback from others, that might give you some insight into things you need to change.

It’s the next step after that. When you keep berating yourself. It’s when you take the next step… you attach to the pain. Buddhism refers to that as suffering. You and I can think of it as “Dirty Pain” (a term coined by ACT – a mode of therapy). It is dirtied by our own mental state — not the cause of the pain.

What do you do about that? We discuss it in this week’s Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Life Is Tough
Letting Go
What You Can Control
The Forgive Process Book

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Forgiving: Resources To Help

November 5, 2018 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Stuck in the past? Time to forgive. Since the publication of my new book, The Forgive Process, I have had lots of conversations over the topic. Enough to know that it is an incredibly important topic… and a thoroughly misunderstood topic. Myths abound. And many people just don’t know how to do it… even if they wanted to!

I knew that when I wrote the book. But I have become even more clear about it over the past month. People see the book and have a question. Which generally leads to a conversation about wanting or not wanting to forgive. Those who want to just don’t know how. And those who don’t want to often misunderstand what forgiving is about.

So, I wanted to provide some resources to help clarify and even start the process. Each link below will take you to a special training to help you make a shift toward forgiving.

FORGIVE RESOURCES:
Misunderstanding Forgiveness
Why Even Forgive?
Find Freedom From Forgiving
How To Forgive
The Forgive Process Book

Find Freedom From Forgiving

April 2, 2018 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed how many times, we get dragged into the past and the pain, even when those hurtful times are over? Those remnants of the events can keep us stuck, frozen in the hurt and pain.

Unless we forgive.

That’s a big word, I know. One that is packed with meaning… and not always helpful meanings.

In another podcast, I highlight my process for actually forgiving. It is important enough that I have a book coming out on the Forgive Process (actually, the name of the book) in October.

In this episode, we discuss why it is so hard to forgive, why you should do it anyway, and why this is so important as a rule for living. If you struggle with forgiving, please take a listen. It might just change your mind!

RULES OF LIVING SERIES
#1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
#2 Be Present In The Present
#3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
#4 Grieve Losses and Celebrate Gains

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Forgive To Live

November 7, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Here’s a concept that trips up many people: Forgiveness.

Oh, sure, you know you should forgive. But you just don’t know if that is the best idea. Maybe you believe you just can’t forget what happened (myth: “forgive and forget”). Or maybe you don’t think that person deserves to be “let off the hook” (also a myth). Or perhaps you don’t want to have anything to do with that person (forgiving and connecting are 2 different things).

In this week’s podcast, I discuss the myths of forgiveness — and how important it is to practice forgiving. And if you need a process to follow on how to forgive, check out this earlier podcast or you can check out this one.

Immutable Laws Of Living Series:
Life Isn’t Fair
Life Has Challenges
Life Isn’t About Happiness
A Thought Is A Thought
Every Perspective Is Limited
Change Is Inevitable
People Do The Best They Can
We ALL Have Fears
Life is YOUR Responsibility
“What Is” IS What Is
Control What You Can (Release The Rest)

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What Thriving People Know About Forgiving and Moving On

June 15, 2015 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Forgiveness is such a loaded term in our culture. You are told by some to forgive, as if it is a burden that must be done.

Others tell you not to forgive, but to hold on to the hurt — so the other person is held responsible, I suppose.

Forgiveness, to me, is an opportunity. Not an obligation or burden. But an opportunity to step into a new future without the binding of old pains.

The cultural baggage around forgiveness has created some “myths” about forgiveness. We misunderstand what forgiving is about, what it means, and how to do it.

Over the years, though, I have realized that people who thrive in life have mastered the skills of forgiving. They do not see it as obligation, but simple opportunity. It does cause us to look closely at ourselves and re-take control (and responsibility) for life. That is a thriving opportunity.

Listen in to discover what forgiving is really about — and how to do it (6 simple steps).

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FORGIVE RESOURCES: Misunderstanding Forgiveness Why Even Forgive? Find Freedom From Forgiving How To Forgive The Forgive Process Book

FORGIVE RESOURCES:
Misunderstanding Forgiveness
Why Even Forgive?
Find Freedom From Forgiving
How To Forgive
The Forgive Process Book