ThriveologyApology – Thriveology

The Forgive Habit

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 14 Mar 2022 19:10:54 +0000

A few weeks ago, a coaching client noted her resistance to forgiving for fear that she would be vulnerable to being hurt. I told her that was not at all true. In fact, being alive leaves you open to hurt!

But not forgiving? It offers no protection. It does, however, prolong the pain caused by some person or event.

This client was not the only one who told me about her concern of forgiving. I have heard it over and over through my three decades of counseling and coaching.

Most people have fallen into a habit of hanging on to the hurt, of not forgiving. They have a habit of UN-forgiving.

Let me suggest that, just like any other habit, you can change this habit. You can foster a Forgive Habit. There, you more quickly work toward forgiving the hurts and pains you feel from events and others. And in the process, you find freedom to move forward with a thriving life.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss The Forgive Habit and how to foster it.

Broken??

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 25 Oct 2021 15:23:14 +0000

Have you seen this picture in your FB feed or on Twitter? It crossed my path a number of times.

The first time I saw it, I was immediately uncomfortable. But it took a little time for me to be clear on why.

There is a point to it: just because you apologize doesn’t mean everything is okay.

I like that point.

But I worry about going the other way: if someone hurts you, you are shattered. With that, I disagree.

Not just a little.

A lot.

I firmly believe that we are all built to heal from hurts. I firmly believe that encoded within us is the capacity to not just move forward, but to thrive, even when someone deeply wounds us.

We humans are natural story-tellers. And we all LOVE to tell the “someone done me wrong” stories — thus, 90% of country songs!

And people do, indeed, do us wrong (and we do others wrong).

The problem is not the stories. It is our attachment to those stories. When we begin to define ourselves by the stories of what happened to us, we become that story. It no longer happened TO us, it IS us.

And we get stuck. We become defined by the story, (almost always, A story). Then, we are limited. We stop growing. We stay attached to the story.

In this week’s podcast, I discuss what happens with a story, and why we can’t allow ourselves to be caught by the story.

After the Apology

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 14:44:56 +0000

You apologize. Now what?

Are you finished? Is it now up to the person to whom you apologized?

Nope. That is only one part of the process.

Understand that apologies, forgiving, reconciliation, and trust are all separate functions. Each is tied to the other, but independent. Forgiving does not require an apology. An apology does not mandate forgiveness. You can apologize or forgive, and still not reconcile. And in the end, it is a choice to trust or not.

So, let’s step back into what you can do, so that you can “clear the air” and move forward. In other words, to make sure you do your part.

I suggest 6 steps to this process, and I cover each one in this episode of the podcast.

Listen below.

Beyond Apology

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 08 Oct 2018 15:00:48 +0000

You apologize. Now what?

Are you finished? Is it now up to the person to whom you apologized?

Nope. That is only one part of the process.

So, let’s step back into what you can do, so that you can “clear the air” and move forward. In other words, to make sure you do your part.

I suggest 6 steps to this process, and I cover each one in this episode of the podcast.

What About Forgiving Yourself?

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 27 Aug 2018 15:00:33 +0000

Let’s just assume that you have decided to forgive other people. You do it (maybe even following my 6 step process). Things are going well. You are getting unstuck.

And then… snap! You are pulled back, stuck. Feeling bad.

But this time, feeling bad about yourself — your actions, your words, your inactions, or silence.

You know that voice? The one that starts with “How could you….?” It reminds you of something you said or did… or something you didn’t do or didn’t say (but should have).

“Why did I do that?? (or didn’t)”, you ask yourself. And then, you replay the event all over again in your head… just like you have countless times before.

Sometimes, we find it easier to forgive someone else that to forgive ourselves. We just can’t seem to clear it out, let it go, and release ourselves.

Well, that is the topic of this week’s Thriveology Podcast, just to get you to consider forgiving yourself. This is NOT about ducking responsibility or denying what happened. It is about moving beyond that, to something better.

Listen below.

Why Even Forgive?

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 20 Aug 2018 15:00:31 +0000

I’ve noticed that many times, when someone is stuck, it is because they have something that keeps hanging on to them, dragging them down. They have something they need to release… someone they need to forgive.

And when I note this, I often get a knee-jerk answer of “how dare you tell me to forgive! I have been hurt! That person does not deserve to be forgiven.”

To which I note that this has nothing to do with “deserve.” Because my suggestion to forgive really has nothing to do with the other person.

Forgiving is for the person who is doing the forgiving, not the one being forgiven (at least primarily).

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore some reasons to consider forgiving — some even being health reasons! But most are about getting unstuck and moving forward in your life.

Take a listen below!

RELATED RESOURCES
Book: The Forgive Process
Myths of Forgiving
Responsibility

How To Forgive Yourself

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 28 May 2018 15:00:27 +0000

Forgiving is an important skill. When we forgive people for hurts and slights in the past, we get to free ourselves from those events.

(That skill is so important that I wrote a book about the process I created. That book comes out in October.)

But what about forgiving yourself?

Why would you need to do that?

Because we all do thing, say things, fail to do and say things, that we regret. And those regrets can haunt us. They can keep us stuck in the past… in events that are already over.

Sometimes, if another person is involved, they might not even remember what happened or what was said. But you might continue to torture yourself, chastising yourself for what you said/did, didn’t say/didn’t do.

This requires another skill: self-forgiveness.

Not just a way to get yourself off the hook. Not just a way to gloss over what happened. But a way to move forward.

How do you forgive yourself? Listen to this week’s episode to find out!

MORE Lessons Learned As A Chaplain

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 16:00:07 +0000

Last week, I shared some lessons I learned while I was a hospital chaplain at the beginning of my career.

In this episode of the podcast, I share another six. That makes a total of ten lessons. But they only scratch the surface. My hope is to share some of the bigger lessons that emerged during that time.

Few people spend the kind of time a chaplain gets to spend with people on the edges of life. Medical staff don’t have the time to spend, as much as they would like to. Most others are only in those settings in the days of a crisis.

My evening hours gave me time with patients, after the doctors and families had gone home, while the nurses were giving medical care. I had the chance to sit with people, while they sat with the big questions of life. I didn’t always have the answers (often didn’t), but I had the time to walk with them as they explored their journeys.

Walking with them taught me the lessons I share today.

How To Start Fresh (in the New Year)

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 16:00:00 +0000

If you haven’t heard it yet, let me be the first to say, “Happy New Year!” I doubt I made the cut, but just in case….

One of my favorite things about school, way back when, was that the semester ended. Each semester stood by itself. No matter how poorly the semester had gone (and there were several), it was over. Classes ended, assignments were in, tests were over. Nothing I could do would change it. So, I might as well turn my attention to the next semester.

It was nice to have a fresh start.

Which, by the way, is available to any of us at any time. We can always choose a fresh start.

It won’t wipe the past away. But we do have the option of starting where we are and moving forward.

In the moment, we have that option.

Each day, we have that option. We get up to a new day, and can start fresh.

Every month, we can do the same, closing out the month and moving into something new.

But the new year… that is when we really feel it!

So, how do we make the New Year a Fresh Start? Let’s talk about how to do it in this episode of my podcast. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Resolutions
Forgiving
Apologizing
Letting It Go
Thrive Principles

You Are Not THAT Story!

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 16:00:31 +0000