stuck

Stuck in Self-Splain

October 27, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Have you noticed that story you are telling yourself (and others) that is running through your mind? It is the one about why you did (or didn’t do) what you did (or didn’t do). You are trying to explain yourself — to yourself and others.

You are Self-Splaining.

And it is a story. Not necessarily a lie. But also not necessarily the truth.

Humans are story tellers and meaning makers. The stories we tell are to make meaning. It helps the world to make sense, and helps us give reasons for what we did.

And it can keep you stuck.

Your self-splaining keeps you stuck because it “helps” you to make your actions/inactions reasonable (to yourself). Reasonable, as in “Able to Reason.” You can give a reason. One that makes sense to you… even if not to anyone else. You can just keep telling yourself “why” — self-splaining.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss how we self-splain, why that can get you stuck, and what to do to get un-stuck.

RELATED RESOURCES
Paradigms
Stuck and Unstuck
Reasons
Responsibility
My Books on Thriving

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Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain

January 7, 2019 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

CleanDirtyPain Anyone who tells you that you can go through life without getting hurt and feeling pain is either lying or hiding.

Life is rough-and-tumble. Pain is unavoidable.

But there is a type of pain that we can leave behind. That is more a result of our own thinking than anything external, any injury either physical or emotional.

Call it “Dirty Pain.” Which is distinguished from “Clean Pain.” Clean pain, that is the initial hurt. When you hit your foot, it hurts. That is the bodily response to the injury. When someone says something to you that is mean and spiteful, your feelings are hurt. That is the emotional pain. It is initial.

But what if you chastise yourself about your being “clutsy,” or about your “stupid action” that led to that foot injury? Or what if you made that hurtful comment about you, and not about the person who said it? What if you kept dwelling about it?

Let me be clear: it is fine to ask how you might prevent an injury in the future. It is fine to listen to feedback from others, that might give you some insight into things you need to change.

It’s the next step after that. When you keep berating yourself. It’s when you take the next step… you attach to the pain. Buddhism refers to that as suffering. You and I can think of it as “Dirty Pain” (a term coined by ACT – a mode of therapy). It is dirtied by our own mental state — not the cause of the pain.

What do you do about that? We discuss it in this week’s Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Life Is Tough
Letting Go
What You Can Control
The Forgive Process Book

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The Importance Matrix

July 17, 2017 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Do you find yourself chasing after all of those “urgent” tasks, only to discover that they really don’t matter?

President Dwight Eisenhower said, “I have to kinds of problems. The urgent and the important. The urgent are not important and the important are never urgent.”

Sometimes, the urgent things ARE important. They probably get done right then and there. But then the urgent (but not important) tend to crowd out the important (but not urgent). For example, those meetings and tasks at work that you take on can seem urgent. But they might not be important. On the other hand, relationships with a spouse or children can get pushed to the side because they are not urgent. Yet they are important.

The sad part is when the important (but not urgent) get shuffled off to the side for so long that they become no longer important. Broken relationships, hurting spouses — they drift away.

The Eisenhower Box is named for President Eisenhower. It is a powerful tool in your Thriving Toolbox, as you work to get priorities clarified.

Listen in to learn how to use it in your life.

Tools of Thriving Series
Introduction
Thought Awareness
Only Control What You Can
The Responsibility Formula
The Perspective Shift
Your Built-In Importance Indicator

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Get Unstuck Wrap-up

June 27, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

People get stuck for several reasons:

The Past
The Future
Your Energy

None of the 3 have to keep you stuck. First, you have to identify the source of “Stuck,” and then decide how to move through it.

Unstuck becomes a choice — but only after understanding the Stuck. Stare at the Cost-Benefit and decide if you are just choosing to be stuck. Or if you are ready to move beyond it.

As we wrap up the Get Unstuck series, I provide some specific steps to take in order to be free from the pains of the past, the anxieties of the future, and a lack of energy. Join me as we move beyond Stuck.

GETTING UNSTUCK SERIES
Intro To Getting Unstuck
How You Get Stuck
You Are Not As Stuck As You Think
Give Up Your Goals & Get Unstuck
Loops
Shift Your Perspective
When Fear Has You Stuck
The KNAC Protocol For Getting Unstuck
4 Steps To Changing Limiting Beliefs

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You Are NOT As Stuck As You Feel

May 2, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Stuck. We all feel it sometimes. We can’t get ourselves in gear, out of our own way, moving in the right direction, or even moving at all.

There are some reasons we get stuck. But I truly believe we are never quite as stuck as we feel.

When I feel stuck, it is sometimes helpful for me to remind myself of why I am not quite as stuck as I feel. When I do that, I get a little momentum.

A little momentum is what I need to begin the process of getting unstuck.

And after you listen to the podcast, you will realize: you have LOTS of momentum. LOTS is changing. . . if you are looking.

Introduction To Getting Unstuck Series

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Getting Unstuck Intro

April 18, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

During my career as a therapist, person after person came to figure out why they were stuck. As I transitioned to coaching, I realized my focus was on how to get unstuck.

How we get stuck is merely a starting point. The real task is how to get un-stuck and moving toward our aspirations.

When we are stuck, we can’t be thriving. But the process of getting unstuck is also the process of thriving.

I believe that we all have the capacity of being un-stuck, regardless of circumstances and situations.

How you are stuck is similar for all of us. What you do when you are un-stuck, that can vary greatly. But the process of getting unstuck is the same.

Today, listen in as I tell you how Bill got stuck.

If this strikes a cord in you, please share this episode with the social sharing buttons below, and consider giving a review of the podcast in iTunes or in Stitcher.

Let’s thrive!

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Ignore The Noise!

December 7, 2015 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

It is a noisy world. There are so many voices and opinions coming at you. There are so many thoughts in your own head. Noisy.

At a recent conference, the presenter noted that music is simply noise with rules applied. For me, it is noise with rules and with filters.

Do you filter the noise out from around you?

Ignore the noise that pulls you away from who you are and what you are about.

If you want to write a book and everyone is telling you how unlikely it is that you will get it published, or how few books become bestsellers, ignore the noise. Write your book.

If you are in a troubled relationship and everyone is telling you to let go, but you want to work on it, ignore the noise. Work on the relationship (barring abuse, that is).

If you want to run a marathon, but people are telling you how hard it is to train, ignore the noise. Start running (or walking)!

Noise.

If you let all the noise in, you will never find your voice, and you will never write your music. Ignore the noise.

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3 Thoughts You Need To Drop

September 14, 2015 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

All day, our minds are throwing us thoughts, waiting to see which ones we bite.

And boy, do we ever bite!

We keep on repeating those thoughts, telling ourselves the same lines and stories over and over. Pretty soon, we forget it was just a passing thought and believe it is the truth.

Some of those thoughts just get us stuck. We believe them to the point that we can’t get moving. More than that, the thoughts give us reasons and excuses to not get moving.

Today, I tackle biggies. These are three of those repetitive thoughts that keep us stuck, and allow us to stay stuck. Here they are:

“I’m not good enough.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“Life’s not fair.”

Sound familiar?

They certainly sound familiar to me! I have said all of them to myself. I have even gone looking for proof. Only to find that they just keep me stuck. They don’t help or serve me. They just keep me from taking action.

How about you?

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That Story You Are Telling Yourself? IT’S A LIE! (probably): #31 Thrive Nation Podcast

August 11, 2014 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 2 Comments

Yesterday, I told a lie. To myself.

We all do it. Everyday.

Here is the sad part: the lies we tell ourselves are hurtful and limiting. They keep us stuck and keep us feeling bad.

So why do we keep telling them? Because they originate in some beliefs we hold, mostly about ourselves. All we need is something to trigger the beliefs. Some event happens and we suddenly start filling in the blanks, based on those beliefs.

Let’s say you are walking down the street and see someone looking your way. The person is laughing. That is the event.

You may think to yourself, “Isn’t that cool? That person is having a good time and found something funny!”

Or you could say, “Why is that person laughing at me? Is my hair looking funny? Do my clothes look bad?”

Unless you go and ask the person why the person is laughing, you will never know which (or even another) story is right. But the first story will leave you feeling upbeat, perhaps even looking for something humorous. The second story will have you running to a mirror, feeling insecure, and wondering why that person is so mean.

The stories we tell impact how we feel, which impacts how we act.

Fortunately, there is a simple exercise you can do that will help you challenge your story, change your beliefs, feel differently, and have a different response. That exercise is as easy as ABCDE.

Learn about this exercise in this week’s podcast — and let me tell you about the story I told myself this weekend! Ouch!

Let me know what you think. Leave a comment below!

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