self development

Controlling What You Can

January 10, 2022 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Many people make the Control Error — they attempt to control what they cannot control, while also failing to control what they can.

Why?

Because they don’t know what they can’t control and they don’t know what they can control.

Humans have a desire to feel like they are “in control” of their lives. Most people hate feeling out of control. And yet, by making the Control Error, they constantly feel out of control (and work harder to control… what they cannot control).

Thriving is tough when you feel out of control. And it is even more difficult when you are not controlling the areas you can control.

There is a code to thriving. Think of it as the computer code behind all the things your computer programs can do. The basic assumptions and directions come from the underlying code. It allows the tasks to happen.

Similarly, there is an underlying code to thriving. If the code is working, daily tasks and living go much better. You thrive in your life.

One element of that Thrive Code, we discussed in the last episode: Challenge. In this episode,we take on the second element of the Thrive Code: Control. More importantly, it is about controlling what you can control, while releasing yourself from what you cannot control.

Listen to the episode below.

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Correcting Course

November 8, 2021 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

“How did I end up here?,” my client asked. He told me that for so long, he thought he was headed in the right direction. Now, he thinks maybe it was the entirely wrong direction.

I asked him, “Did you course correct along the way?” He looked at me rather quizzically. So, I elaborated, “If you are sailing, you point the boat toward some object in the distance, in the direction you want to sail. You sail toward it. But the winds push, the current pushes, and you end up a little off-course. So, you course correct.”

But then, I added: “Sometimes, you realize that where you thought you wanted to go is not really where you want to go… or maybe it isn’t safe to go. Maybe a storm or something else. But you have to go somewhere else. So, you change course.”

And I continued, “Then there are the times when you don’t course-correct as you go, and the small space of being off-course begins to broaden as you go. What might have been just a course correction at the beginning is now a course change.”

Then I returned to our dialogue and asked, “So, did you course correct… or is this a course change?”

Just to be clear: either is fine. We all have the option of course changes in life. Sometimes, it is just a course correction. But it is okay if you need a course change.

It’s a part of life.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore the difference between a course correction and a course change. What does it look like, and when is it time for a change?

Listen below.

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Clean and Dirty Pain

April 12, 2021 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

CleanDirtyPain Anyone who tells you that you can go through life without getting hurt and feeling pain is either lying or hiding.

Life is rough-and-tumble. Pain is unavoidable.

But there is a type of pain that we can leave behind. That is more a result of our own thinking than anything external, any injury either physical or emotional.

Call it “Dirty Pain.” Which is distinguished from “Clean Pain.” Clean pain, that is the initial hurt. When you hit your foot, it hurts. That is the bodily response to the injury. When someone says something to you that is mean and spiteful, your feelings are hurt. That is the emotional pain. It is initial.

But what if you chastise yourself about your being “clutsy,” or about your “stupid action” that led to that foot injury? Or what if you made that hurtful comment about you, and not about the person who said it? What if you kept dwelling about it?

Let me be clear: it is fine to ask how you might prevent an injury in the future. It is fine to listen to feedback from others, that might give you some insight into things you need to change.

It’s the next step after that. When you keep berating yourself. It’s when you take the next step… you attach to the pain. Buddhism refers to that as suffering. You and I can think of it as “Dirty Pain” (a term coined by ACT – a mode of therapy). It is dirtied by our own mental state — not the cause of the pain.

What do you do about that? We discuss it in this week’s Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Life Is Tough
Letting Go
What You Can Control
The Forgive Process Book

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Your Path into the New Year

December 29, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Wow! What a year it has been! And many people have asked how I can possibly speak about thriving when it just feels like we are surviving.

But that is the point! Thriving is not what we learn when everything is going well, when life is just humming along. We learn to thrive when we take on the challenge of the tough stuff! When we decide that surviving is not enough. Growing and changing, challenging and surmounting. Those are where we learn the skills of thriving.

Then, when things are a bit easier… a lul in the action… we can breathe and enjoy.

Which brings us to the cusp of a new year. When 2020 started, most of us were unprepared for the last 9 or 10 months… but it was already in motion. Now, as we look down the path of the New Year, change is once again in motion. For us to get “back to life.” Even though life never really went away. We didn’t go into suspended animation.

Many of us made changes; many held on for dear life. But innovation is all around us. Evidence of what we humans do in the face of challenge, when we rise to the challenge.

In this episode of the podcast, you catch me mid-run, on one of my favorite trails, just a few days before New Years. I wanted to reflect a bit, encourage a bit, and point us all down a path that is coming, regardless.

What path will you take into the New Year? Listen in below.

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Is the Present Perfect?

September 21, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

My client was telling me about lots of struggles, difficult times, and a few positive moments. I noted, as I have many times with many clients, “It sounds like your present is perfect.”

She went silent. I was silent. But I could see her processing and struggling with my words. I sat quietly.

She finally erupted: “Perfect?!? How can you say that? After all the stuff I told you… how can you tell me that things are perfect?”

I told her, “I didn’t say great. I didn’t say it was how you wanted them to be. Only that the present is perfect.”

In that moment, I could see her gears turning… but she still couldn’t make sense of what I was saying.

How can things feel upside-down and inside-out, and be perfect?

“Perfect” does not mean preferred. It means something is complete. A perfectly cooked steak is complete. It is cooked to a certain level. But also consider a “perfect storm,” the perfect combination of circumstances that mean the storm is more powerful than when those circumstances don’t combine.

The idea of the Present Perfect, which sounds like grammar, comes from life coach, Thomas Leonard. He noted that the Present Perfect is the fact that this moment perfectly reflects everthing that has come before, up until now.

Why does that matter? We explore it in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below

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From Fear to Courage

September 14, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

FearVersusCourage I don’t know about you, but I don’t much enjoy feeling fear. I’d rather it not be a part of my life.

And yet, it is.

Fear is part of our wiring, deep in our DNA and deep in the circuitry of our brains. It keeps us safe — sometimes super-safe. Which is the problem.

There is a central life coaching question: “Where do you want to be?” (Few people seek out coaching because everything is great, they are happy, and life is where they want it to be.)

The next question is “What keeps you from getting there?” When I dig in with clients, that question often hits against external barriers. Things the client can’t change.

But dig long enough and dig deep enough, and you hit fear. Fear is what often keeps us from getting what we want in life, from getting the life we most deeply dream about.

If fear is a fact of life (it is), then fear isn’t really as much in our way as we let it be. After all, other people (who also have fears) have made it.

What breaks through the fear, to get us to the life we want?

It is not being “fearless.” That won’t happen… although you can have LESS fear.

Nope.

It is COURAGE. And courage is not the opposite of fear… it is action in the direction of fear. Which is what dissipates fear.

Let’s talk about fear… and more important, courage… in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.

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Your Thrive Toolbox

June 5, 2017 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Having the right tool can make ALL the difference. Ever tried to drive a screw with a hammer? I have. It didn’t go so well.

A few years back, I was changing out some faucets. After stripping the skin off my knuckles and muttering a few choice words, I decided there HAD to be a tool that would help me get those faucets loose.

Turns out there was! Once I had the tool, everything was easier.

The other day, as I was taking my morning walk with Ziggy (my dog), it occurred to me that there were some tools that help you to thrive. You might need these tools in your “thrive toolbox.”

Some are mindset shifts. Others are processes. And others are exercises. They all help you build toward a thriving life.

This week, we launch into a new series on these Thriving Tools. What they are. How to use them. How they help you to thrive.

Listen below.

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How To Accept AND Excel

May 29, 2017 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

In my latest book, Thrive Principles, one of my strategies is Accepting What Is. Which has caused some readers to wonder how that fits into my ideas about constantly growing and changing.

They are not mutually opposed. Accepting What Is creates a beginning point, a starting line. From there, you can move toward who you want to be. You can build a life of meaning and purpose.

Many people struggle with where they are. But where we are is just that, our current spot. Not a permanent place, but a starting point.

This week, I discuss how to both Accept What Is AND plot a growth course to become the person you want to be. Make your impact with both sides of the equation.

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5 Steps To Overcoming Inertia: Physics and Being Stuck

December 1, 2014 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Inertia. Being stuck. We all find ourselves there at one point or another.

The question is whether we stay stuck or get moving. The choice is whether to let inertia continue or overcome it.

Some days, we can feel like Sisyphus, repeatedly trying to push that rock up the hill. Often, we find ourselves behind the rock, not even sure how to start pushing.

Or maybe we just believe it is too hard to even start.

Enter Newton’s 1st law of motion: “Objects in motion tend to remain in motion; objects at rest tend to remain at rest — until acted upon by an outside force.”

YOU are that outside force for issues in your life: health, relationships, work, etc. YOU are the force that can overcome the inertia in these areas.

Discover the 5 ways to overcome inertia in this week’s podcast. Listen below, then tell me what you think in the comments area!

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