control

Controlling What You Can

January 10, 2022 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Many people make the Control Error — they attempt to control what they cannot control, while also failing to control what they can.

Why?

Because they don’t know what they can’t control and they don’t know what they can control.

Humans have a desire to feel like they are “in control” of their lives. Most people hate feeling out of control. And yet, by making the Control Error, they constantly feel out of control (and work harder to control… what they cannot control).

Thriving is tough when you feel out of control. And it is even more difficult when you are not controlling the areas you can control.

There is a code to thriving. Think of it as the computer code behind all the things your computer programs can do. The basic assumptions and directions come from the underlying code. It allows the tasks to happen.

Similarly, there is an underlying code to thriving. If the code is working, daily tasks and living go much better. You thrive in your life.

One element of that Thrive Code, we discussed in the last episode: Challenge. In this episode,we take on the second element of the Thrive Code: Control. More importantly, it is about controlling what you can control, while releasing yourself from what you cannot control.

Listen to the episode below.

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Stuck in Self-Splain

October 27, 2020 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Have you noticed that story you are telling yourself (and others) that is running through your mind? It is the one about why you did (or didn’t do) what you did (or didn’t do). You are trying to explain yourself — to yourself and others.

You are Self-Splaining.

And it is a story. Not necessarily a lie. But also not necessarily the truth.

Humans are story tellers and meaning makers. The stories we tell are to make meaning. It helps the world to make sense, and helps us give reasons for what we did.

And it can keep you stuck.

Your self-splaining keeps you stuck because it “helps” you to make your actions/inactions reasonable (to yourself). Reasonable, as in “Able to Reason.” You can give a reason. One that makes sense to you… even if not to anyone else. You can just keep telling yourself “why” — self-splaining.

In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss how we self-splain, why that can get you stuck, and what to do to get un-stuck.

RELATED RESOURCES
Paradigms
Stuck and Unstuck
Reasons
Responsibility
My Books on Thriving

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Control What You Can; Release The Rest

April 23, 2018 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Rules123 It was interesting to see how much my client seemed to relish her self-diagnosed “issue” when she smilingly told me, “I’m a bit of a control freak. I just want things my way. Mostly because I know how they should be.”

So, I asked that tough question, “How is that working out for you?”

The smile turned to tears as she told me how much pushback she was getting from people. “They just don’t know better,” she assured me, letting me know that she just needed some better ways of getting people to follow her lead (ummm, demands).

My client was making a common mistake. One that leads to misery — on her part and the part of others around her. She was trying to control things she could not. AND she was failing to control things she could.

The desire to control comes from fear. We fear things won’t go well, won’t work out. So, we innocently try to control things… the wrong things.

There are only a few things we can control. But when we switch from trying to control the things we cannot to the things we can, life opens up! Controlling what we can, it turns out, is enough.

In this week’s Thriveology Podcast, I cover another Rule for Living: Control the Things You Can, and Release the Rest. Listen below.

RULES OF LIVING SERIES
#1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
#2 Be Present In The Present
#3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future

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Only Control What You Can

June 19, 2017 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

Isn’t it interesting how much time people spend trying to control what they can’t control, and how little time we spend trying to control what we can control?

Imagine what would happen if we could flip that. What if we spent our time trying to control what we CAN control. And what if we released the rest?

There are really only 3 things that you can truly control. After that, you are wasting your time and energy. And you will likely frustrate yourself and others.

This week, as we add another tool to the toolbox, let’s look at the 3 A’s you can control.

Tools of Thriving Series
Introduction
Thought Awareness

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Control What You Can (Release The Rest)

October 31, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 1 Comment

Control. We all want it. We all try to have it.

And yet, we usually try to control things we cannot control (like, say, other people). At the same time, we often fail to control the things we can (like, say, ourselves!).

Which tends to pretty much keep us spinning around. Frustration and desperation come on the heels of feeling out of control.

One important issue: we have to discern between those two things: what we can control and what we can’t. THEN we can commit to controlling what we can, AND releasing the rest.

In this week’s podcast, we discuss controlling the things we can control (I’ll name them) and releasing the things we can’t (I’ll name those, too). Take a listen!

(And if you have missed out on earlier episodes from the ILL series, the links are below.)

Immutable Laws Of Living Series:
Life Isn’t Fair
Life Has Challenges
Life Isn’t About Happiness
A Thought Is A Thought
Every Perspective Is Limited
Change Is Inevitable
People Do The Best They Can
We ALL Have Fears
Life is YOUR Responsibility
“What Is” IS What Is

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Can’t Change The Past So Stop Trying

March 21, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Leave a Comment

It is an interesting human characteristic that we spend lots of energy trying to rework and change the past — at the same time, we fail to believe we can change our future!

A belief that the future is unchangeable (and actions/inactions that often reveal this hidden belief) is called fatalism. It is a belief that fate is set. The ancient Greeks and Romans believed in the Fates, three women who created the thread of life for each person, measured it out, then cut it, when it was time to die. No beating the fates.

Que sera sera.

“Whatever will be, will be.”

I think I much prefer (please excuse my attempt at translation), Que fuera era. Whatever was, was. That might be “reverse fatalism.” The past has happened and can’t be changed. But we do have some choice about how the future plays out.

We don’t have FULL control of our futures. But we have much more than we often like to claim. And that might be the better focus: changing what we CAN change, what we CAN control.

The past is NOT part of what we can change. The future (starting in the present) holds much more potential.

Join me as I explore this “Reverse Fatalism.”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Interview With Jack Canfield
Accepting What Is
The Control Paradox
Forgive
Show Up
Responsibility
Gratitude
Consider Being A Patron

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Solving The Control Paradox

March 7, 2016 by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. 1 Comment

Control. We all want it. We strive for it, wrestle for it, grab for it. . . and end up trying to control the wrong things.

Human nature. We try to control the things we can’t control, and abdicate control over the things we should control.

When we try to control people, events, and things external to us, we are headed for frustration and failure.

When we seek to control things within ourselves, we discover resolve and build a thriving life.

And yet, we generally seek to control those external things. That happens out of fear.

At the same time, we fail to control those internal things within us. That happens out of blame (and fear).

Time to solve the Control Paradox! (Listen below for how to solve it. And hey, if you find it useful, could you SHARE so that others can find it?)

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