Rule 3: Memories Are Just Thoughts
OK, this one can be controversial, so hear me out. A memory is merely a thought. It is a thought about something that happened in the past, which we then pull into the present. Some of those thoughts are helpful, but others are not.
I am NOT saying that you should ignore painful events from the past and pretend they did not happen. That is denial. I AM saying that we all can acknowledge that our memories are not entirely accurate. That is what I mean in this rule. Thoughts are always our perceptions and interpretations of reality. And memories are those perceptions and interpretations brought into the present.
We never have an accurate portrayal of an event. If you understand what I mean in the last paragraph, you may find my first sentence to be a rather strong assertion.
Here is why some people have a strong reaction to this rule: people often define themselves by what has happened to them. Some people view the most tragic events as self-defining. I often hear people say “I am a survivor of sexual abuse.” Or “my family was dysfunctional when I was growing up.” Or “we were broke when I was a child.”
Again, I am not saying that these events did not happen, that there is not truth in the events. It is just that we tend to believe that we: 1) accurately remember those events (we do not), and 2) we cannot let those events go (we can).
So, let’s take those in order. First, we do not remember events as they happened, but how we interpreted them. We missed some facts, created other facts, and misinterpreted many facts. That is just the nature of our memories. It is neither good nor bad, just how our minds and our brains encode information.
More than that, plenty of research shows that memories are actually quite malleable. In other words, memories themselves change over time. We interpret memories based on what is going on now. In other words, we may find ourselves using memories to fit what we want to believe, not with what happened.
A friend of mine in graduate school, in his dissertation, said this: “we create the past and remember the future.” I love that! It gets to the essence of what I am saying. We would so love to be creating the future and remembering the past, but that is not the case. We live out our future course partially based on what we believe has happened to us. And our memories are created in ways that facilitate our current beliefs.
Which leads to the second point: we hold onto those events. This is where the real power of this rule comes in. If we let go of the illusion that we remember events with historical accuracy, then we can accept that we cannot define ourselves merely based on events in our past. When we act assured of our accuracy of memory, we get to pretend we are the victim or victor in a particular situation. Not very helpful.
When we can acknowledge that a memory is flawed, we are less tempted to keep pulling it out as proof of who we say we are.
How often do you define yourself by your memories? How often do you pull out your memories of events as a way to remind yourself of what you believe about both yourself and the world? This is an invitation to hold those memories a little more lightly.
Rule 2: Recognize a Thought is a Thought
The second rule ties directly into the first rule. In fact, it is probably step 1 in watching our mind. What is going on in our mind? Thoughts. What trips us up? Thoughts.
The problem is not the thoughts. The problem is that we don’t recognize they are just thoughts. Thoughts are merely constructs of our mind. And it is not that a thought is right or wrong, good or bad. I would prefer to ask the question of whether it is helpful or unhelpful.
First, let’s challenge the Right/Wrong illusion. Our thoughts are our interpretation of reality. They are not reality. As has been said by others, the map is not the road. The map is a representation of the road. A specific type of map leaves off details. Another map is based on those same details. The details are information, and we either process or ignore information every second (millisecond) of every day.
We get caught up in believing that we “see things for what they are,” but we don’t. Wayne Dyer titled a book “you will see it when you believe it.” That is the truth. Our thoughts are woven by our beliefs, not by reality. How often have you been completely convinced that you were right about something, only to get some more details that helped you see you were wrong?
Again, thoughts only have the possibility of being partial reflections of reality.
How about Good/Bad Thoughts? Well, we all have thoughts we are not proud of. That, again, is the nature of the mind, and probably a good reason to not want to read someone else’s mind! It would be one loud, ugly, noisy place! Thoughts are just thoughts.
And that is the realization here. We can get caught up in a thought so much that we continue to find ourselves pulled away from experiencing life. We become spectators through our thoughts. And when we forget it is a thought, we start acting in ways that represent a thought.
Let’s take a quick example. Let’s say I walk into my boss’s office for a meeting. I see him reading my report with an expression I view as critical or angry. I think “he didn’t like my work.” This leads to thinking “what if he fires me? What then? How will I explain it to my wife? How will we cover the bills?” Within a few seconds, I have woven a story about how worthless my work is, then how worthless I am, then the fact that I am soon to be homeless.
Too bad I didn’t notice that my boss forgot his reading glasses today, and going over some spreadsheets has already given him a headache, so he is doing all he can to concentrate on the excellent report he is reading! Too bad!
Too bad, because I begin to talk with him from my assumption that he doesn’t like my work. I begin to excuse my poor writing, my lack of ideas, my lack of creativity. Then my boss pauses and looks up at me. He is still thinking about my great idea, but can’t process it because I just told him it was terrible. His thoughts start rolling. Then, we are both caught in our own thoughts, no longer relating to each other.
Now rewind it. What if I had walked into his office, saw the same expression, and had the first thought. But when I noticed my stomach knotting up, I asked myself what I was thinking about, realized I was writing a story in my mind, and chose to realize a thought is just a thought? I wait for him to tell me what he is thinking. I wait for reality to continue.
That story ends very differently. And the difference is merely because I recognized that a thought is just a thought. It may be correct, but it may not be. Either way, it is still just a thought.
Rule 1: Watch Your Mind
Your mind is one amazing “thing.” In fact, I don’t even know the word to refer to it. Your mind is not a “thing,” yet it is there. You can think, you can even observe yourself thinking! And while many have reduced your mind to some aspect of your brain’s function, science still struggles with this question.
In Paradise Lost, John Milton says The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. Our minds can be used to create great achievements. Every invention, every moment of progress begins with a thought. Yet that same mind can be used to drive ourselves crazy.
Have you ever found yourself moving from a good mood to a bad one merely because you got caught up in your thoughts? That is the power of your mind, and illustrates Milton’s words perfectly.
In seminars, I often try to make the point that our thoughs, our mind, rules our emotions — it is NOT the other way around. And I can prove it to you in 30 seconds. Here is how: I want you to make yourself angry. Not just a little, but a lot! Make yourself furious. Take 30 seconds to get there.
[30 second pause]
How did you do it? Did you just “emote” yourself there. . . or did you sit and think about something that really made you angry? It was likely some past event. You may have not even thought about it for some time, but some writer just stirred up that thought, making you angry!
That is the power of our mind. It rules our emotional lives, and we don’t even realize it. Sure, when I remind you of that fact, it is a “no-brainer.” But how often during the day are you aware of how your mind is running your life?
I truly believe that one of the great issues of our day is the fact that we have very poor control of our minds. Call it “mind hygiene.” Whatever you want to call it, it is poor maintenance of our greatest strength as humans (and our greatest weakness).
So, rule 1, and really step 1 in thriving, is to become aware of how much your mind is ruling your life, and how much latitude we give our minds for tossing us around emotionally.
As we continue, we will talk about how to deal with our unruly minds.
The Rules: A Starting Point
OK, so let’s set some parameters for these 99 rules of thriving. You see, these rules are not pulled out of thin air. They come from my frame for what I understand are the elements of a thriving life.
As I have studied this, four areas of concern emerge in the pursuit of a thriving life. Each area is important, but it is the presence of all four that really put the whole thriving life into motion. Here are the four areas:
thriving life graphic
So here is a brief overview, and we will begin to enlarge as we move through the rules:
Thoughts and Mind: This broad category basically means that a thriving person understands the role that thoughts play in creating our reality, weaving our paradigm. In fact, I maintain that the majority of people misuse a major resource in life: their mind.
I believe that we have come to have very poor mind hygeine. We let our thoughts rule us, not us ruling our thoughts. We fail to notice that we are just thinking, and instead believe that our thoughts are reality.
Let’s face it: our mind was designed to think, to create thoughts. But it is up to us to decide on whether this will be a productive or destructive process.
Letting Go and Moving On: Our capacity to let go of something that is on our mind, has happened to us, or has not happened to us, is in direct ratio to our capacity to thrive. I would use the term “forgiveness,” but there is a great deal of extra baggage attached to that term. So I will say that forgiveness is a subcategory of this.
And in order to thrive, we must be able to take the next step past letting go of something; we must move on. People who thrive have discovered how to keep moving forward, regardless of the circumstances around them.
Gratitude and Appreciation: A hallmark of thrivers is the ability to experience gratitude. No, let me change that: to choose gratitude. Not only do they live in gratitude, they live in appreciation, the application of seeking out gratitude.
This is a choice in the stories we tell. Am I upset that I don’t have a big bank account, or am I grateful I have been able to pay what is necessary to keep going, for instance. This is partly about optimism, but is slightly different. Optimism is about how things will be in the future. Gratitude is choosing to be grateful for what already is.
Gratitude and appreciation helps to shift us out of the scarcity “what I don’t have” model to abundance. This keeps us from feeling desperate, which then leads to creative responses.
Meaning and Purpose: This is the final element of my model. It is the most important, and yet the most difficult to master. It is not the question “what is the meaning of life?” Instead it is the question of “what is meaningful to me?” Having a sense of meaning keeps us moving ahead, regardless of what is going on around us. Purpose is the way we live out that meaning.
When we have discovered our sense of meaning and how we find it, our purpose, then life becomes a joy to live. Too often, we pursue happiness, forgetting that this grows out of a meaningful life, lived with purpose.
99 Rules For Thriving
Well, time for my own challenge. This one crossed my mind some time back, but in a very un-thriving way, I find myself caught doing what “needs” to be done, versus what I “want” to do.
On a slight detour, let me unpack that. We are often caught spending our days doing those things that seem to need to be done. I say “seem” because there is an endless list of those items. As Richard Carlson said, “the inbox is never going to be empty.” So at some point, we have to make the distinction that Stephen Covey makes between urgent and important.
Now the next part of my sentence. It is not that I think we ought to be doing whatever we want to do. Instead, I am thinking about that inner yearning, that urging to do something that pulls us toward purpose and meaning.
To put a little flesh on that, I would love to be laying on a beach in the Caribbean about now. That is a plain want, but I feel a sense of urgency, even calling, to look at thriving.
So, onto this project: My goal is to post what I consider 99 rules of thriving. They are not the only rules, and some may be more important to you than others. But as I have been thinking and working on this topic, these are what strike me as important rules.
Understand, I do not see myself as the most thriving of people. In fact, as I write this, I am writing more for myself than anyone else. I do hope you enjoy reading over my shoulder, and find it useful. That would be an honor.
My business card gives my title as “Full Time Thriveologist, Part Time Thrivealist.” I am always studying the subject, and I am doing my best to become a thriver, but that is always a learning task.
Finally, I don’t expect or intend on writing a rule-a-day, or really any other time. I would love to promise that, but my goal is only to, on a consistent basis, share the rules as I see them.
Enjoy!
Misunderstanding Forgiveness
A recent AP Story:
Families can’t forgive Nebraska mall shooter
Nebraska Mall Shooting
OMAHA, Neb. – Christmas decorations are in place and holiday music fills
the atrium, yet a gloom punctuates the shopping season at the Westroads
Mall.
Employees, their families and friends planned to gather Friday at the steps
of the Von Maur department store in remembrance of the eight people killed
a year ago in the deadliest mall shooting in U.S. history.
“I carry the visible signs of Dec. 5,” said 62-year-old Fred Wilson, who
nearly died that day. “Other employees saw things I didn’t. They may carry
their wounds on the inside.”
Wilson went back to work part-time at the mall after Memorial Day. He says
there was never any question in his mind that he should be there.
He can no longer wrap gifts at work – his right arm is still in a sling,
and he can barely move his fingers.
“I came to a degree of forgiveness … when I was in the hospital,” Wilson
said. He tries to help others learn how to forgive, speaking at churches
and schools and seminars.
“I was blessed to have lived,” he said. For those whose loved ones did not,
he understands it’s a different story.
Nineteen-year-old Robert Hawkins gunned down eight people on Dec. 5, 2007,
before turning the gun on himself.
Hawkins entered the Von Maur department store in west Omaha and briefly
looked around before exiting. He returned a few minutes later with an
assault-style rifle hidden under his sweatshirt.
He took an elevator to the third floor and opened fire.
Police found no connection between Hawkins and his targets, only a suicide
note that said he wanted “to take a few peices (sic) of (expletive) with
me.”
The upscale department store, decked with Christmas decorations, lost six
employees that day. Two customers also were killed.
Ron Jorgensen lost his wife of “50 years and three months.” Her voice
remains on his telephone answering machine. The American flag continues to
wave at half-staff in his front yard.
“I’ve lost everything,” he said. “I will never forgive Robbie Hawkins or
his parents.”
Greg O’Neil prefers not to even speak Hawkins’ name.
“I don’t know when, or if ever I’ll ever be able to forgive him,” he said.
“I can’t even put those words into a sentence including that person.”
O’Neil worked at Von Maur as a loss-prevention manager for nearly five
years before finding a new job in 2006, so he knew most of the people
killed or injured. He left his job so he could date employee Angie Schuster
without violating company rules. They later got engaged.
“Just remembering her smile. Oh, her smile,” he said. Her belongings still
fill his home. He visits her grave every couple of weeks.
On Friday, Von Maur employees have the option of taking the day off, said
company president Jim von Maur.
“We don’t want to put pressure on those employees who don’t feel they can
do it,” he said.
In Moline, Ill., the family of the youngest victim planned to gather to
remember the good times they had with Maggie Webb, who also worked at the
store.
“We’re going to encourage friends and family to light a candle,” said
Webb’s sister, Bre Clark. “And we’re going to light a bonfire and shine a
light to her in heaven.”
But forgiveness isn’t likely to be mentioned. Clark doesn’t believe she
could offer that to Hawkins.
“I honestly believe forgiveness is something that the killer needs to ask
for from the Lord and not from me,” she said.
Hawkins was well-known in the state’s juvenile courts and social services
agencies. A habitual drug user and troublemaker, he was in and out of
foster homes.
During his time as a state ward, he was diagnosed with depression,
attention deficit disorder, impulsiveness and a malady characterized by
hostility toward authority figures. He was convicted of third-degree
assault and attempting to sell drugs at school.
Hawkins spent four years in a series of treatment centers, group homes and
foster care after threatening to kill his stepmother in 2002. Before the
shooting, he had broken up with a girlfriend and lost his job at a
McDonald’s.
A year after Hawkins’ deadly rampage, Von Maur employees try to busy
themselves with the holiday shopping season. Security guards stand on the
balconies. A plaque at the bottom of the escalator memorializes the victims.
By ANNA JO BRATTON and JOSH FUNK Associated Press Writers
First, let me say that my topic today will upset some folks. But I will be upsetting most of them out of a misunderstanding of my thrust. Let me say that I feel great compassion for people who have suffered tragedies. In fact, I feel so much compassion that it pains me on how much hurt is added to ourselves.
I am not “picking” on the folks involved, and certainly not wanting to make an example out of the victims. Because the truth is, what I am addressing is so widespread that I would say it is a rampant belief.
Here is the belief: “I can’t/won’t forgive ______ (fill in the blank) because,” then pick your reason:
- They don’t deserve it.
- That lets them off the hook.
- Then I have to forget it.
- Life isn’t fair.
- I want justice.
- etc., etc., etc.
Let me point out what is behind the belief: somehow, forgiveness is FOR the other person.
And that is the problem, the fallacy of this. After helping people to move toward forgiveness, thinking about the topic, teaching on the topic, and trying to apply this to my own life, I have realized their are two paradigms of forgiveness.
- I forgive for the other person.
- I forgive for myself.
Many of us keep getting caught in paradigm #1. So let’s explore that for a moment. This assumption is really built on several factors.
The first factor is biological. Your brain is designed to keep you alive. It holds onto threats, locks them in, and is unhappy about letting them go. So, our biological design is to keep a filing cabinet full of potential and past threats. But when our thoughts, our mind, grab hold of those threats, we shift them to resentments. We store them as memories to play over and over in our minds, with a commentary about how we were hurt.
It is one thing to have a brain watching for threats and a mind constantly playing through our hurts. One is protective. The other weighs us down. The first keeps us safe, the second keeps us captive.
Then we have all the religious and cultural messages about how we “have to forgive.” In other words, our culture betrays us and tells us we have to forgive the other person for that other person. It misses the true message of forgiveness. Too bad.
You see, in this case, the truth is behind door #2. We forgive for ourselves. We choose to forgive so that we can move forward.
I am reminded here of one of Buddhism’s understandings: every life has joys and every life has pains. They are inevitable. Suffering is optional. Suffering is becoming attached to the pains.
That is what NOT forgiving is about. When we refuse to forgive (it is a choice, whether we recognize that or not), we are attaching ourselves to our pain. We end up suffering.
Forgiveness is about refusing to be held captive from what has happened. It is choosing to move forward, to take back our lives from tragedy. It is refusing to lose ourselves to what has happened. It is about choosing the life we want to live.
In this context, there is nothing that is unforgivable, because it is no longer about holding the other accountable (in this case, a dead man), but in choosing to move forward.
The whole notion of something as unforgivable is caught in the paradigm that forgiveness is for the other person. That traps us. And generally, it has no effect on the other person.
Let me be clear: people have to work through their grief at their own pace. At some point, for there to be real healing, forgiveness must be part of the process. And anytime we slow that process down because we have convinced ourselves that forgiveness is for the other person, we have merely increased our pain.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.—Unknown
He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.–George Herbert
Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die.—Unknown
What is Thriveology and Thriving?
You may be asking, “What is Thriveology?” Simply put, this is a term I am using to describe the art and science (and the study of) thriving.
In my opinion, the majority of people are basically managing life, just getting by. This is “survival mode.” In that mode, you keep your head down, try to avoid too much struggle or conflict, and hope problems will pass. (They don’t!)
Some people ascribe to the idea of being resilient. I did. This is the idea that when something tough or bad happens, you “bounce back.” In other words, you get to the point where you are functioning as well as you were before the problem. If you are sick, for instance, when you get better you return to your normal routine.
Then there are those few who actually use crisis, conflict, and difficulties to move ahead of where they were. Or even without a crisis, these people work to live life to the fullest level possible! They are after optimal living. These people, I refer to as Thrivers. Something naturally within them keeps them in thriving mode.
Those who do not naturally have these attributes can still learn them. We all can become students of the skills of thriving. When we take that on, we are what I refer to as Thrivealists!
You probably know about Survivalists, those who are convinced that something bad is going to happen, so they had better be prepared. Well, a Thrivealist nurtures a different belief. Thrivealists have a sneaking suspicion that things are going to work out alright.
That brings us to this blog. Here, we will examine the traits of those who thrive. We will become Thrivealists by studying Thriveology! Can you think of a better tool for living?
By the way, if you know of people who thrive, let me know. I will be adding profiles of thrivers as often as possible.
It Ain’t About Happiness!
The last couple of years have led to an avalanche of books on happiness. It seems that we are in a “happiness” epidemic. Specials on TV (20/20 had a recent show, for example), and articles in magazines all point to our capacity for happiness.
This is NOT what I mean by Thriving! Understand, I don’t think people should avoid happiness. I just don’t think that is the target to aim for. We have started using happiness as the goal, not the side-effect.
And that is why the “happiness movement” will fail. Happiness ends up being elusive, difficult to control, and open to a wide range of definitions. In fact, I think we have reduced any chance of happiness now being a useful term. Some use the idea of euphoria as a definition, others are describing joy and contentment but say happiness, and still others are really looking for that fleeting feeling.
You see, I believe that happiness is actually an external reference. In other words, something has to happen “out there” for me to be happy. Perhaps living in a bigger house, living in different geological location, having other gadgets, finding a new love, or some other change will make me happy. But I have only so much control of the “out there.” And research is showing that in lots of ways, we have a certain “set point.” When something good or bad happens, within a year to year-and-a-half, we return to our previous level of happiness (or unhappiness).
But thriving, that is an internal activity. I can choose to follow a thriving life, regardless of what is going on around me. I don’t have to have new stuff, new love, or a new house to be thriving. And since it is about forming habits of thriving, I can raise my base level of thriving over and over. I can continue to push forward and learn to thrive, IN SPITE of life events. I really can choose to thrive.
Try to choose to be happy. You may be able to do that in the short-term, but it is hard to sustain. But thriving, that is sustainable and achievable by anyone.
So, to say it clearly, Happiness DOES NOT EQUAL Thriving.
HAPPINESS THRIVING
External Internal
Short-Term Long-Term
Feeling Action
Set-Point Base-Point